Bear with me, this is going to be a long post.
High school is when my walk with God became my own.
My freshman year of high school at Flower Mound Marcus was interesting, to say the least. It wasn't quite like middle school. There were a lot more students (oh yeah, and a lot more cute boys!) Being "popular" wasn't easy in high school for me. I soon gave up (in a sense) on that and began pursuing boys. (yeah, you read that right. I, as a girl, was pursuing boys.)
Boys seemed to hold the answer for me and fill a void in my heart. (When I was young me and Pops (dad) spent a lot of time together, but when we moved to Texas it stopped. I began looking for love and approval from boys instead). As a 14 year old Christian girl in a Texas high school I was impressionable. I met a guy. (He was the type of guy all dads worry about: tattoos, lip piercings, did drugs, drank... Oh and not to mention, he was 3 years older than I was!) We were quick to spark up a relationship. Our relationship was dysfunctional to say the least. I was looking to fill a void in my heart (that I would later realize no boy or man will ever fill). So when he asked me to try drugs it was easy for me to say "sure!". When he asked me to drink he got a "yeah, why not?". And finally, when sex was brought up, it wasn't even a question. Of course. Throughout the course of our year and a half of dysfunction I lost my virginity (and was surely now the most impure, imperfect Christian ever, doomed to never get married), experimented with drugs (drugs like Vicodin, marijuana, hydro, Xanax, and ecstasy), and drank alcohol. (Oh yeah, I was officially going to hell) At the end of our relationship I found out that he (my three year older, drug-using boyfriend) was cheating on me with multiple women (go figure!) and had gotten one of them pregnant. Of course, I was devastated.
Insecurity set in (women can hear me out on this one! "What about me wasn't good enough? What's wrong with me? Am I too ugly? Am I not smart enough? Was I not spontaneous enough?") During my relationship with him my relationships with my family began to fall apart. The woman I loved as a child became someone who I hated (my mom) and I could care less about the man who seemingly stopped loving me as a child (Pops), and while I was at it why not just ignore my brothers too? It was during that time: when I was consumed with indifference and hatred towards Christians (and even God) that I began using drugs more frequently.
Ecstasy became a favorite of mine, and I began using often. (At this point in my relationship with the Lord I was saved because I accepted him when I was 4, but I didn't want anything to do with him. I wanted to live my life the way I wanted) I remember one night when I was using I started screaming at God. Things like "I didn't even know what I was doing back then! I DONT want you! If you saved me then stop! I'm sick of my mom finding everything out because of you!" (which, believe me, she did!!!!) I was angry that God kept ruining the way I wanted to live my life. The night things broke I was sitting in my room at home and was planning out my next move... "ecstasy has been fun, but it's time to kick it up a notch. How do I get something like cocaine or heroin? What would I tell my parents when I was going to get it? What about when I came home high?" In the midst of planning things out (meticulously) I heard God audibly for the first time in my life. If you can imagine the most angry, jealous, wrathful, but at the same time heart-broken, loving, caring, and sentimental voice... That was what he sounded like. The first words I ever heard God speak audibly to me were "that is ENOUGH, Hayley." I collapsed. Just fell to my floor in my room and started bawling. That was it. It was enough. At that point I was done. No more drugs.
But then what? What now? Over the span of a couple months I lost all my friends (because I wasn't "fun" anymore) and started questioning God again. "You spoke to me once, now you're just going to leave me out in the wilderness to fend for myself?" His answer (which was wonderfully sarcastic, because thats how he flirts with me) came from a friend of mine. I had saying I was thinking I didn't want God anymore because he wasn't tangible. The day I decided I didn't want him I got a letter from a friend. Yep, a tangible letter. Want to know what it said? It was filled with scripture. Scripture about God's love and pursuit of me and my heart. (ironic?? sarcastic?? yeah, I thought so too!!) But it was sweet. My heart broke for God again. Then I started hearing 121, a lot. Eventually I understood that God was telling me to read Psalm 121. (go read it!) It was sweet, and perfect for what I was struggling with. And God restored my relationships with my family (the bond me and my mom have now is indescribable) But I still wasn't ready to let God fill the void in my heart. It was too easily to have "tangible" boys do that. So I started dating another guy. Our relationship was dysfunctional, but not nearly as bad as mine and the first guys. The difference was that this guy was a Christian too. He was struggling with similar things as I was (which turned out to be awful for our relationship) When we started looking for love in each other instead of God we became physical very fast. Within a couple months of dating we were having sex. (But the cycle was different. We'd have sex, then feel bad about it because it's not what God wanted, then not have sex for a while, then have it again, etc.) There were other problems in our relationship, but that was the main one for me. When I came to college (Hardin-Simmons University) me and him fell apart. I found out he was cheating on me and I broke down again. I was lost in the void that kept getting torn wider with each heart-break. I knew guys weren't the answer, but I went back on what I knew once again.
I met a guy at Hardin-Simmons that said he wanted to pursue something because of my love for God (which to me sounded like the perfect guy, he loved God) But it turned into yet another dysfunctional relationship (although God used this guy to teach me more about his love than anyone else) The guy was sweet and didn't want anything about our relationship to be physical, but physical was all I knew about relationships, so I pushed it that direction. Which ended up being one of the factors that ruined it. But throughout the relationship God taught me so much. The day we ended for good I was lost (everything that Satan had spoken over me in the past was brought up again.. "You aren't worth it Hayley"). I skipped all of my classes and journaled/prayed all day. God walked me through recovery about past relationships, and even the current one. Needless to say God was doing work. I was learning about his love for me.
Boys seemed to hold the answer for me and fill a void in my heart. (When I was young me and Pops (dad) spent a lot of time together, but when we moved to Texas it stopped. I began looking for love and approval from boys instead). As a 14 year old Christian girl in a Texas high school I was impressionable. I met a guy. (He was the type of guy all dads worry about: tattoos, lip piercings, did drugs, drank... Oh and not to mention, he was 3 years older than I was!) We were quick to spark up a relationship. Our relationship was dysfunctional to say the least. I was looking to fill a void in my heart (that I would later realize no boy or man will ever fill). So when he asked me to try drugs it was easy for me to say "sure!". When he asked me to drink he got a "yeah, why not?". And finally, when sex was brought up, it wasn't even a question. Of course. Throughout the course of our year and a half of dysfunction I lost my virginity (and was surely now the most impure, imperfect Christian ever, doomed to never get married), experimented with drugs (drugs like Vicodin, marijuana, hydro, Xanax, and ecstasy), and drank alcohol. (Oh yeah, I was officially going to hell) At the end of our relationship I found out that he (my three year older, drug-using boyfriend) was cheating on me with multiple women (go figure!) and had gotten one of them pregnant. Of course, I was devastated.
Insecurity set in (women can hear me out on this one! "What about me wasn't good enough? What's wrong with me? Am I too ugly? Am I not smart enough? Was I not spontaneous enough?") During my relationship with him my relationships with my family began to fall apart. The woman I loved as a child became someone who I hated (my mom) and I could care less about the man who seemingly stopped loving me as a child (Pops), and while I was at it why not just ignore my brothers too? It was during that time: when I was consumed with indifference and hatred towards Christians (and even God) that I began using drugs more frequently.
Ecstasy became a favorite of mine, and I began using often. (At this point in my relationship with the Lord I was saved because I accepted him when I was 4, but I didn't want anything to do with him. I wanted to live my life the way I wanted) I remember one night when I was using I started screaming at God. Things like "I didn't even know what I was doing back then! I DONT want you! If you saved me then stop! I'm sick of my mom finding everything out because of you!" (which, believe me, she did!!!!) I was angry that God kept ruining the way I wanted to live my life. The night things broke I was sitting in my room at home and was planning out my next move... "ecstasy has been fun, but it's time to kick it up a notch. How do I get something like cocaine or heroin? What would I tell my parents when I was going to get it? What about when I came home high?" In the midst of planning things out (meticulously) I heard God audibly for the first time in my life. If you can imagine the most angry, jealous, wrathful, but at the same time heart-broken, loving, caring, and sentimental voice... That was what he sounded like. The first words I ever heard God speak audibly to me were "that is ENOUGH, Hayley." I collapsed. Just fell to my floor in my room and started bawling. That was it. It was enough. At that point I was done. No more drugs.
But then what? What now? Over the span of a couple months I lost all my friends (because I wasn't "fun" anymore) and started questioning God again. "You spoke to me once, now you're just going to leave me out in the wilderness to fend for myself?" His answer (which was wonderfully sarcastic, because thats how he flirts with me) came from a friend of mine. I had saying I was thinking I didn't want God anymore because he wasn't tangible. The day I decided I didn't want him I got a letter from a friend. Yep, a tangible letter. Want to know what it said? It was filled with scripture. Scripture about God's love and pursuit of me and my heart. (ironic?? sarcastic?? yeah, I thought so too!!) But it was sweet. My heart broke for God again. Then I started hearing 121, a lot. Eventually I understood that God was telling me to read Psalm 121. (go read it!) It was sweet, and perfect for what I was struggling with. And God restored my relationships with my family (the bond me and my mom have now is indescribable) But I still wasn't ready to let God fill the void in my heart. It was too easily to have "tangible" boys do that. So I started dating another guy. Our relationship was dysfunctional, but not nearly as bad as mine and the first guys. The difference was that this guy was a Christian too. He was struggling with similar things as I was (which turned out to be awful for our relationship) When we started looking for love in each other instead of God we became physical very fast. Within a couple months of dating we were having sex. (But the cycle was different. We'd have sex, then feel bad about it because it's not what God wanted, then not have sex for a while, then have it again, etc.) There were other problems in our relationship, but that was the main one for me. When I came to college (Hardin-Simmons University) me and him fell apart. I found out he was cheating on me and I broke down again. I was lost in the void that kept getting torn wider with each heart-break. I knew guys weren't the answer, but I went back on what I knew once again.
I met a guy at Hardin-Simmons that said he wanted to pursue something because of my love for God (which to me sounded like the perfect guy, he loved God) But it turned into yet another dysfunctional relationship (although God used this guy to teach me more about his love than anyone else) The guy was sweet and didn't want anything about our relationship to be physical, but physical was all I knew about relationships, so I pushed it that direction. Which ended up being one of the factors that ruined it. But throughout the relationship God taught me so much. The day we ended for good I was lost (everything that Satan had spoken over me in the past was brought up again.. "You aren't worth it Hayley"). I skipped all of my classes and journaled/prayed all day. God walked me through recovery about past relationships, and even the current one. Needless to say God was doing work. I was learning about his love for me.
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