Recovery

There are multiple recovery ministries.
Churches that will walk you through recovery about things you have dealt with in life.
God just decided to do it differently with me...

Remember in my testimony post when I was talking about meeting the guy at Hardin-Simmons and kind of falling apart when things ended because everything from the past had finally built up long enough to fall down? Well that's where recovery began for me.

I haven't ever been through a complete cycle of a recovery ministry... So I honestly have no idea how the church does it, but heres how God walked me through it:

At the time I was dealing with everything that the enemy had spoken over my life (especially in the area of boys/men) crashing down on me. "You aren't worth the time/effort/care" was the biggest and most consistent lie I was told (and believed!). When me and this guy ended I skipped all of my classes and journaled for six hours.

That is the longest amount of time I have ever sat (to this day) in God's presence waiting on his answer about things. (It's sad thats the longest amount of time, because so much work was done in that short 6 hours). The day started with me journaling. I remember being angry. (and as I sit here re-reading what I was writing that day I realize I was more than angry.) The first line of my journal is "I'm pissed." (yes, I am that blunt in my journals...) I didn't know where anger in my heart was coming from so I asked God to show me... It took me asking a series of questions and God taking his time answering them for me to figure it out. God walked me through recovery. Here is the sequence in which he did things:

"Beloved, who all has hurt you?" (talking about men)
"How did each one of them hurt you?"
"What lies did they speak into your life?"
"Forgive them"
"What do I say about you?"

I remember on the third question there was one boy in specific that actually spoke the words "you aren't worth it" to me. I had never realized that before, and God showed me it was where my anger was coming from. I remember after I wrote down that this boy had said that, God told me "Say you're worth it." I sat at the pond at Hardin-Simmons for a good ten-fifteen minutes trying to say the words "I am worth it." But when you've believed a lie for years it's hard to say the opposite. I remember saying "God, I can't." and he said, "You are worth it. Say you're worth it because Jesus died for you." I was able to say that because it wasn't about me. So I did. Then God took it a step further "Say you are worth it because I made you with a caring heart." I was able to say that because God said it about me. God walked me through a lot of affirmation before he asked me to say I was worth it again. Then he asked me to do it one last time "Say you're worth it." I did. I remember sitting and crying and saying "I'm worth it." over and over and feeling God do a work in my heart, undoing everything that the enemy had so intricately set up to keep me hindered. God redeemed every ounce of my past that day. After that day I am able to stand blameless even though my past is covered in "scarlet" (Is 1:18). I am able to say that my past does not define me and that nothing that has happened in my past affects my love for people now. God did the work because I let him, because I was broken. Its often in our brokenness that his strength is made known.

He is so gentle, and so strong in his gentleness. It's the way I love to be loved.