For the Ladies on "The One"

"The One"

Let's be honest ladies, we've all thought about it. Wondered who it will be. What he's going to be like. How the relationship goes. Etc. Etc. Etc.

The reality of it is, there is no such thing as "the one".

If we take a step back and look at every other aspect of our relationship with God we can see how God makes beauty out of mistakes or shortcomings. Food for thought: you, as a woman (just like me), have either entered into a dysfunctional relationship or two (can I get an amen), or have lusted after the idea of a relationship and fantasized about one (can I get another amen).

Considering all of those real or fantasized relationships, you've already (theoretically) ruined the intended plan with "the one" because you were only meant for him.
Are you tracking with me?

Thinking back on all of my relationships and how I thought about each boy differently is testament to the fact that there is no "one" out there. I learned life-lessons from each relationship, lessons that only those situations would have taught me. Yes, I think God could have (and would have) done the work in my heart eventually, but I think those dysfunctional relationships played a big role in the (ever-continuing) refining process God has me in.

I remember last year I was in an ethics class and a very controversial issue came up. My professor brought up masturbation (it was an ethics class, so issues like this were bound to come up!). He sat in front of the class and told us that there was nothing biblically wrong with it. I couldn't argue with him on that point, but something in my spirit wasn't settling right. So I (because meekness isn't my strong suit) piped up and said "Well, it may not say that its wrong in scripture... but you can either spend time with however long it takes you to get yourself off, or you can spend time with God and let him do a work in your heart." (not my most Christ-like moment.... But thinking that way has stuck with me)

Thinking about guys is the same for us as women. Its not wrong to wonder and think about the future, but you don't have to. God says in his word to let tomorrow worry about itself (We don't have to think on the future and wonder). Its not wrong to desire love and a relationship. We were made for relationship with one another. Just remember that you're already in one!

My first love is Jesus, and he always will be that. Because I spend the rest of eternity with him. Just me and him. If God sees fit for me to get married while here, then it is going to be a blip in time compared to the eternity I spend with my first love. God took me on that journey this summer (I talk about it in the "Desert" post), and he showed me that its me and him for the rest of eternity, thats why he comes first. It does no good to dwell on the "what if"s and "maybe so"s when we can sit in the "declares the Lord"s. That is where I desire to be. Dying to self is a constant struggle of mine (and I mean constant), but the glory of the gospel is that I don't have to do it on my own. Jesus helps, because he is our bridegroom for the rest of forever.

The only time "the one" is true is when it's in reference to Jesus.

Recovery

There are multiple recovery ministries.
Churches that will walk you through recovery about things you have dealt with in life.
God just decided to do it differently with me...

Remember in my testimony post when I was talking about meeting the guy at Hardin-Simmons and kind of falling apart when things ended because everything from the past had finally built up long enough to fall down? Well that's where recovery began for me.

I haven't ever been through a complete cycle of a recovery ministry... So I honestly have no idea how the church does it, but heres how God walked me through it:

At the time I was dealing with everything that the enemy had spoken over my life (especially in the area of boys/men) crashing down on me. "You aren't worth the time/effort/care" was the biggest and most consistent lie I was told (and believed!). When me and this guy ended I skipped all of my classes and journaled for six hours.

That is the longest amount of time I have ever sat (to this day) in God's presence waiting on his answer about things. (It's sad thats the longest amount of time, because so much work was done in that short 6 hours). The day started with me journaling. I remember being angry. (and as I sit here re-reading what I was writing that day I realize I was more than angry.) The first line of my journal is "I'm pissed." (yes, I am that blunt in my journals...) I didn't know where anger in my heart was coming from so I asked God to show me... It took me asking a series of questions and God taking his time answering them for me to figure it out. God walked me through recovery. Here is the sequence in which he did things:

"Beloved, who all has hurt you?" (talking about men)
"How did each one of them hurt you?"
"What lies did they speak into your life?"
"Forgive them"
"What do I say about you?"

I remember on the third question there was one boy in specific that actually spoke the words "you aren't worth it" to me. I had never realized that before, and God showed me it was where my anger was coming from. I remember after I wrote down that this boy had said that, God told me "Say you're worth it." I sat at the pond at Hardin-Simmons for a good ten-fifteen minutes trying to say the words "I am worth it." But when you've believed a lie for years it's hard to say the opposite. I remember saying "God, I can't." and he said, "You are worth it. Say you're worth it because Jesus died for you." I was able to say that because it wasn't about me. So I did. Then God took it a step further "Say you are worth it because I made you with a caring heart." I was able to say that because God said it about me. God walked me through a lot of affirmation before he asked me to say I was worth it again. Then he asked me to do it one last time "Say you're worth it." I did. I remember sitting and crying and saying "I'm worth it." over and over and feeling God do a work in my heart, undoing everything that the enemy had so intricately set up to keep me hindered. God redeemed every ounce of my past that day. After that day I am able to stand blameless even though my past is covered in "scarlet" (Is 1:18). I am able to say that my past does not define me and that nothing that has happened in my past affects my love for people now. God did the work because I let him, because I was broken. Its often in our brokenness that his strength is made known.

He is so gentle, and so strong in his gentleness. It's the way I love to be loved.

Nothing can Separate

Nothing can separate from the way God loves.

How many times have you either decided to walk away or were pulled away from God? (Things like choosing to party, or things like having a family member die and getting angry with God?) We all have had situations when we choose to or are forced to walk away from God (due to our sin nature).

But God's love always pulls us back.

His love endures forever (Psalm 136). His love is relentless. It's kind. It's patient. It doesn't envy. It doesn't boast and it isn't proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. God's love will always protect you, always trust you, always hope for you, and always persevere for you. (1 Corinthians 13)

Satan is making attacks on your life. (It's foolish to think that just because you love God he's not.) The more you love God and enter into a personal relationship with him, the more Satan will attack your life. But the good in it is that no matter how hard Satan attacks, he will never be able to separate you from the love of God. He can have momentarily won battles (which he has in my life, there have been battles that he's won time and time again) but that doesn't change the fact that God will always pull you back to his heart. No matter how much Satan attacks you, he will never win. Because the moment you accepted Jesus, you were put on the right-hand side of God. You're seated in heaven with Jesus, and every battle you ever encounter on earth, you have won because of Jesus. Because no matter how much Satan can get us to sin, or make us mad, or anything he tries to do, its already forgiven and we don't have to live in shame. We win. Because Jesus wins. Nothing can separate you from the love of God.

Read this next passage slowly... Reflect on each thing that is said cannot separate you from Gods love:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

For the Ladies

How many lies have you been told about your womanhood?

"You aren't worth it. You aren't beautiful. You don't play a significant role in anything. You aren't fun. You aren't spontaneous. No one wants you. etc"

The enemy makes persistent attacks on woman. Look at your life, look at the world, look at what (in the world) is expected of women. If you aren't stick-thin with air brushed skin and perfect hair, and you don't party and keep up a busy life but at the same time keep the home in order, then you aren't "good" at being a woman. Lets even look at the church and what the church expects of women... You have to be conservative and quiet, always submitting to men (which I agree with, I'll do a post on submission soon), being a part of PTA, a home-group leader, a middle school leader, and have the ultimate servants heart, then you are "bad" at being a woman. Satan makes attacks on what God made womanhood to be, because true womanhood is a threat to him.

Taking a step back and looking at the creation story is important. God created man before woman. Woman was created after man. (If you're a man and you're reading this, then try to keep an open mind) In the creation story God makes man, then he says "It is not good for man to be alone" and searches for a suitable helper for man ("helper" in hebrew is ezer kenegdo) but God can't find an ezer kenegdo for man throughout everything he created. So God created woman. This next part is important:

After woman was created, God stopped. Woman is the last thing that God made in the creation story. You as a woman are the thing that made everything else fall into place. You're what made creation complete. You are ezer kenegdo. Do you know that the only other "helper" in the Bible that is called ezer kenegdo in Hebrew is God himself? (Genesis 2 for woman and Psalm 121 for God) -- (Don't get me wrong here. I am by no means trying to say we're God!!) God created woman with a softness and gentleness that he possesses. God created woman with a gentle strength that he possesses. God created woman with a soft heart but strong spirit.

Look at the women that are part of the stories of the Bible. Look how strong Mary was, look how brave the judge Deborah was, look at how patient Ruth was.

Bathsheba, an adulterous woman who let her husband get killed in battle because she was impregnated by another man, King David (who was the only man in the Bible who was said to be "a man after Gods own heart" ... If that doesn't show that our actions don't dictate our goodness, I don't know what will!) is part of the lineage of Jesus. There was something about Bathsheba that was strong and good enough to be a part of the lineage of Jesus.

Nothing that you have done or will do is going to change the way God thinks about you. Just like nothing that Bathsheba did had an affect on the way God thought about her. He loves.

Here are some truths to what you are as a woman:
You are the crown of creation, you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139), you are known personally and intimately (Ps 139), you are loved with an everlasting love (Jer 31:3), you are ezer kenegdo (Gen 2), you are pursued (Hos 2), you are redeemed (Is 43:1), you are complete in Christ, you are going to play a significant role in an important story. You are worth it.

Relentless

Wrap your head around this if you can: you were loved personally, intimately, and passionately by the Creator of the heavens and the earth before the concept of time was created. Before earth was made. Before the heavens were separated. Before Satan and his angels were cast into hell. Before life began. and you will be loved personally, intimately, and passionately after the concept of time doesn't matter. After the heavens and earth aren't separated anymore. After earth is gone. After the final battle is won and Satan is vanquished. For the REST of eternity.

God knew what he would get when he decided to love you.

We can use me as an example. When God decided to love me he knew that he was going to get someone who would consistently walk away from him and say "your love isn't enough", someone who would choose boys, drugs, drinking, and things of the world over him. He knew he was getting someone with a wandering heart. BUT (because he made me... Ps 139) he also knew he was getting someone who is passionate, someone who loves deeply, someone who doesn't quit when she's started something, someone who is called to his purpose, and someone who would return to him and love him back.

I was worth the exchange for him. 

And so are you. 

You're worth the exchange. He decided you were worth it when he decided to love you. He knew what he was getting when he decided to love you. He knew you'd wrong him (because we all do), he knew you'd fall short of his glory (because we all do), but he knew you personally and loved you (Ps 139). He showed you that he thinks your worth it with the cross. Jesus came to show how God loves. Jesus is God taking the risk on you and saying "I love you, will you love me back?" He gives you the choice. He waits patiently and relentlessly for you.

He always will. 

Worlds

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world. 
-C.S. Lewis 

If we try to live in this world then there is always going to be a void in our hearts that never seems to get filled (no matter how much of the world we try to cram into it)... Thats because its a "God-sized" void. Only God can satisfy the deepest desires of our heart. How many times have we tried to cram things into our hearts to feel "worthy, worth it, desired, etc."? For me, it's more than I can count. I've tried to fill a void in my heart with things of the world for almost 20 years. (two decades wasted on the world when I could have been dwelling in a heaven-mindset with God!) I've tried to fill my heart and soul with boys, staying busy, being productive, partying, reading, painting, pretty much anything that the world has to offer I've tried to use. And it never worked. That's because, like C.S. Lewis so eloquently put it, I was made for another world. I was made for heaven, to be with my Beloved for the rest of eternity.

But then the question arises: We are here. We are in the world. So we have to wait until we die to be a part of the world we were meant for?

Wrong.

God desires for heaven to invade earth. He desires to walk along side us everyday. He deeply desires to reveal himself to us (so that we can have the peace that heaven provides). He desires to give us the desires of our hearts. This world doesn't satisfy because we weren't made for it, but the beautiful thing about God is that he made a way for us to live in the world we were meant for while we're still here. Jesus. The Holy Spirit being with us makes heaven accessible. We can stay in "heaven" if you may, as long as we remain in the spirit. (Who likes their flesh nature any way?) The even greater thing about remaining in the spirit is that it takes nothing from us! All we need to do is go to God and ask him to keep us heaven-minded and washed in the spirit. He wants to do the work in us so that we are!

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Ps 37:4)

It is Finished

"It is finished."

In my opinion, those three words are the most important that have ever been spoken. It is those three words that set me free. Those three words that redeemed every ounce of wickedness in me. Those three words that taught me love, grace, and peace.

Jesus spoke the words "it is finished" in his last moments on the cross.

As a kid, I loved the story of Jesus going onto the cross to die for my sins and save me. But the story  turns cliche over time because its told so often in religious settings, and told with utter lack of passion (most of the time). So throughout my journey with God I never took time to focus on the story of the cross. It got boring for me. (And even today, when telling people about Jesus I focus more on his love and what he's done in my life then the fact that he died on the cross for me) But during and after high school I went through a period of time when I let the devil speak lies over my life. I let myself get washed with things like "You aren't ever going to be enough. You aren't pure. You aren't whole. You have nothing to give anyone. etc." I was struggling with a newfound love for God and not knowing how to balance my relationship with him and my relationship with the world. (Which I will never figure out, because I've only been called to live in one!) I let Satan drag me into the pit of hell, all the while, going to church and spending time in a homegroup. I didn't understand why I felt so down all the time if I was spending so much God-centered time.

"Isn't God supposed to make life easy for me? I give him time and he gives me whatever I want? Isn't that how this is supposed to go? Shouldn't I be one of those "happy" Christians that never complains now?"

The answer to all of those questions is no.

Throughout highschool when I was letting Satan speak lies over and into my life, God called out to me. I started feeling like it was time to read that redundant story of Christ going to the cross for my life, so I did. When I read the phrase "it is finished", I felt God saying "all of it, Hayley. Every ounce of sin. Done."

I believe that the phrase "It is finished" is the most important thing ever spoken into human history because it truly does save. It means that the second Christ died ALL of my sin (past, present, and future) has been accounted for.

What that phrase does is makes clear that your sin does not define you. You are not the decisions you have made. You are not unclean, impure, unholy, unrighteous, or unworthy.

In Christ you are pure (Is 1:18), you are pursued (Hos 2), you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139), you are known personally and intimately (Ps 139), you are called by name and redeemed (Is 43:1), and you are loved more than you know (Jer 31:3, 1 Cor 13)

Freedom

Freedom to sin and freedom from sin are completely different.

One takes desire and action.
The other takes surrender and submission.

Any guesses? Yeah, the first is freedom to sin, the second is freedom from sin. Both types of freedom are given by God, but only one is true freedom. Remember the post I did about surrender? Explaining that surrender is what equals freedom? Well that lines up with this. 

We have freedom to sin. God gives every person the freedom to sin, we are given "free will", which means that we can do what we please with our lives. We can go get drunk every night, we can go do drugs every night, we can go have sex with multiple people (all of which I've done, so don't think I'm judging!) and it feels like freedom. Its freedom from rules and regulation... But is it really? Freedom to sin just rips a gaping hole in our hearts. Every time we choose to walk towards sin and away from God we lose a part of what we were made to be (which can be/is fully restored the second we decide to turn around and walk back towards God)

Then theres freedom from sin. Freedom from sin starts with surrender. Surrendering to God and his will for our lives (which really is more glorious and entertaining then all of the sin we could commit... I mean, look at the stories in the Bible: epic battles and wars, even epic romances... Thats what freedom from sin makes way for) God's will for our lives is not to restrict or wall us in. It is not to oppress us, like freedom to sin will say it is. God's will for our lives is to provide an adventure, and give us the opportunity to play a role in his grand plan for humanity. Why would we ever want to give it up?! Is there one story in the Bible thats boring? No! Every person that submitted to Gods plan got to live an adventure (yeah, some of them were hard... but wouldn't it be worth it?) 

I'm experiencing real freedom from sin (sins like craving and lusting over things, small or big) because I asked God to teach me surrender. I didn't ask anything about freedom, but that's where surrender leads. It takes losing our life (which really, we all complain about lives that are full of the world, so logically it makes sense to lose that life) to gain life (life in Christ, and dwelling in his presence is where all of us really long to be. duh, we want to lose the world and gain heaven!). 

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1-2)

No Record

"Love keeps no record of wrongs" (1 Corinthians 13)

No record.

That blows my mind. It is so hard for me to think about my relationship with God and how much I have wronged him and know that he has no record of any of it (if you read my testimony post you have a small idea of some of the things I have done to God... I barely scratched the surface in that post). I have spat in his face and told him to go away so many times and he has relentlessly pursued my heart through it all. All the while keeping no record of any of my wrongs.

I remember one time two years ago I was crying because a boy I liked decided he didn't want to pursue anything with me after already having told me he did. I was crying and saying "why does he not want me? What about me isn't good enough?" and I heard God say "Beloved, what about me isn't good enough for you?" I stopped dead in my tracks and my heart broke for God. You know that feeling, the one when you like someone and they don't like you back? That gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, worthless feeling? We make God feel that way! He loves us like a husband loves his bride. Intense, passionate, pursuing love. And we say "eh. I'd rather not. Sorry." And he keeps no record.
No record of every time we've said "you aren't good enough. I want that. I want him. I want her. I want this. I want that. Just not you." While his heart is breaking he says "My love for you is patient, it's kind, and it doesn't keep record of wrongs." He patiently pursues our hearts.

Joy

Joy. It's not quite happiness, and not quite contentment. It's somewhere in the middle of both. Happiness is impossible to feel in the midst of sorrow because they are opposites. Being content isn't enough to describe joy. Joy is something that only comes with the Holy Spirit. He provides joy in us. When we accept Christ and the Holy Spirit begins to walk with us, we get joy. (Really, we get everything that is in Christ when the Holy Spirit walks with us! Patience, righteousness, wisdom, etc. It is all in us, sometimes all it takes is asking God to have it come forth!) But joy is one of the most beautiful experiences when we accept Christ. Do you remember when you did? (or if you haven't, bear with me for a second) Do you remember how you felt like you were on top of the world? Nothing could touch you? You were overwhelmed with a peace that is beyond words? You were joyful. Joy is something we can feel in the midst of deepest depressions. It is something we can experience in the midst of highest happiness. It stays constant. As constant and steadfast as God's love is for us, is the joy we have once we have accepted him. We can voluntarily choose to ignore joy, but why would we want to do that? Joy gives us hope.

Surrender

Surrender. It's a weird concept, right? Even weirder when I tell you that surrender is what has gotten me freedom. Well, it has. When I asked God to teach me surrender, or do the work in me, he did. It started out slow, like being content with things how they were, then it got drastic, like being okay and voluntarily waking up to do quiet time. The work God has done in the area of surrender so recently amazes me. First he taught me about his love for me, now he's walking me through surrender and setting me free in the process. I have done nothing. Not one thing. I just asked God to do the work in me and was receptive to the idea of it. He's done work. And continues to. I was reading a book called SexGod (because I still struggle with the idea of sex and how it could ever be something God meant to glorify himself in) and a quote came up in it that hit me hard. It said "Freedom isn't being able to have whatever we crave. It is going without whatever we crave and being fine with it." It is so true... The word "lust" in broken down in Greek literally means "in the mind". God used the quote from the book to show me how many things I lust after that hold me in slavery. He has set me free for the sake of freedom. He set me free to be freed from lust. From anything that plagues my mind and makes me "crave". I'm being set free right now. It's going to be another process, but I feel more freedom with each day. I crave less and feel joy and contentment more.

Out of the dorms!

At the beginning of this last school year ('12-'13) I got to move out of the dorms! It was a great opportunity and I loved the girls I was going to be living with. I had just come out of a summer that was drenched in God's love for me, so I was excited to see what the year would hold in store.
It took me all of a week of living in a house without any rules but my own to fall back into a life that wanted to pursue the world. A week! After that summer. After everything God did. I started going out and drinking, which led to me having "sex buddies" throughout the course of the semester too. Seemingly, I had forgotten everything about how that void in my heart felt when boys were the ones filling it rather than God. It's like trying to fill a square hole with a circle peg. It doesn't work. Because of my past, I learned that indifference is the most dangerous thing a person can experience in reference to their walk with God, so I prayed. I prayed that God not let me be indifferent. He didn't. I turned the complete opposite way. I was living my life the way I wanted to live it again. But it was different this time, because I had experienced what it felt like to have the void filled. I couldn't go all the way into the world anymore because I had a real taste of what heaven was like. So it was a constant struggle. When I felt the void "ripping" wider again I prayed and asked God what I needed to do. I wanted to go back to the way this last summer was. The word I got in reply was "surrender". Surrender? Really? Haven't I done that before? No. I hadn't. I always let God have 99.8% of my life... But I would keep that .2% for myself. I needed some sense of control for myself. But surrender was the answer I got. Which turned into me trying to figure things out on my own and work things out. It didn't work. I don't have enough "control" (even though I fought for it!) to surrender on my own. Once again I had to ask God to do the work for me. "Lord, I don't know how to surrender to you. Teach me, do the work in me." Philippians 1:6 very specifically says that God will complete works he starts in us... So why did I try to do it on my own ever?

The Desert

After coming out of my freshman year of college and having learned a lot about God's love, I realized I still had no idea what love was. I had been taught that love walks away, it cheats, it hurts, scars, breaks, and destroys, but sometimes it could care. Going into the summer last year ('12) I asked God to "redefine" love for me. Want to know how that started? First thing I heard at the beginning of the summer was "You are a prostitute." .....Uh? Excuse me? I just asked you to teach me about love and you're calling me a whore?!.... I knew that God spoke in fragments sometimes, but this was a bit much. A prostitute? Why? I knew I'd had sex before marriage and in a sense "whored" myself out to men, but a prostitute? So I started praying and asking God what he meant by that. He told me to read Hosea. (which for women, I know y'all are thinking "Redeeming Love", but I personally think God's story is better) I started reading Hosea. (which in short is about a man who falls in love with a prostitute that always leaves him) Hosea 2 hit me like a train. There is a part in it that says

"Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them... Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her... 'In that day,' declares the Lord, 'you will call me my husband, you will no longer call me my master.'"

 He was speaking to me. He was saying "Hayley, you aren't going to have a season with guys anymore. You are blocked off from them and I will not let you find them. I want your heart for myself. I want to allure you with kind words, and I want you to love me as a bride loves her husband." I was beginning to understand what God's love was. I had loved God all my life, but I wasn't ever in love with God. When i was "in love" with the boys from my testimony I talked about them all the time, and doted on them. I didn't do that about God. So I asked him.. "God, I'm not in love with you. Romance me so that I can be." Asking him to romance me was the most beautiful decision I have ever made. The summer was filled with it. I was working at Pine Cove (which means no cell phone, no internet, just God 24/7) and he told me it was my "desert". It was at Pine Cove that God would allure me. He did. From small things like waking up and hearing "go to the dock, the sunrise is for you today" or "the whitecaps on the lake are for you, because I know you love them", to big things like him asking me to dance, God romanced me. It was at the end of the summer that he asked me to dance. We were doing worship with the students at Pine Cove, (I worshipped in the back of the room so I had freedom to jump/kneel/walk around/do whatever I needed to) and I was kneeling with my face in the ground because I was so overwhelmed with God's glory and how deeply he loved me, when I heard him say "Beloved". I had my eyes shut but lifted my head, and saw Jesus, standing there, with his hand stretched out like a man does when he asks a woman to dance. He was asking me to dance. It was beautiful, and I started crying immediately. I danced with him, of course, but that was (to this day) the most captivating encounter I've had with God. He taught me what his love is. (1 Corinthians 13... He had me write each thing down and how he was that thing. ex: "Love is patient" -God was patient with me throughout all of my running to boys and saying no to him, he was patient with my needing him to romance me, etc)

It was in the desert that I fell in love with God.

Testimony

Bear with me, this is going to be a long post.

High school is when my walk with God became my own.

My freshman year of high school at Flower Mound Marcus was interesting, to say the least. It wasn't quite like middle school. There were a lot more students (oh yeah, and a lot more cute boys!) Being "popular" wasn't easy in high school for me. I soon gave up (in a sense) on that and began pursuing boys. (yeah, you read that right. I, as a girl, was pursuing boys.)

Boys seemed to hold the answer for me and fill a void in my heart. (When I was young me and Pops (dad) spent a lot of time together, but when we moved to Texas it stopped. I began looking for love and approval from boys instead). As a 14 year old Christian girl in a Texas high school I was impressionable. I met a guy. (He was the type of guy all dads worry about: tattoos, lip piercings, did drugs, drank... Oh and not to mention, he was 3 years older than I was!) We were quick to spark up a relationship. Our relationship was dysfunctional to say the least. I was looking to fill a void in my heart (that I would later realize no boy or man will ever fill). So when he asked me to try drugs it was easy for me to say "sure!". When he asked me to drink he got a "yeah, why not?". And finally, when sex was brought up, it wasn't even a question. Of course. Throughout the course of our year and a half of dysfunction I lost my virginity (and was surely now the most impure, imperfect Christian ever, doomed to never get married), experimented with drugs (drugs like Vicodin, marijuana, hydro, Xanax, and ecstasy), and drank alcohol. (Oh yeah, I was officially going to hell) At the end of our relationship I found out that he (my three year older, drug-using boyfriend) was cheating on me with multiple women (go figure!) and had gotten one of them pregnant. Of course, I was devastated.

Insecurity set in (women can hear me out on this one! "What about me wasn't good enough? What's wrong with me? Am I too ugly? Am I not smart enough? Was I not spontaneous enough?") During my relationship with him my relationships with my family began to fall apart. The woman I loved as a child became someone who I hated (my mom) and I could care less about the man who seemingly stopped loving me as a child (Pops), and while I was at it why not just ignore my brothers too? It was during that time: when I was consumed with indifference and hatred towards Christians (and even God) that I began using drugs more frequently.

 Ecstasy became a favorite of mine, and I began using often. (At this point in my relationship with the Lord I was saved because I accepted him when I was 4, but I didn't want anything to do with him. I wanted to live my life the way I wanted) I remember one night when I was using I started screaming at God. Things like "I didn't even know what I was doing back then! I DONT want you! If you saved me then stop! I'm sick of my mom finding everything out because of you!" (which, believe me, she did!!!!) I was angry that God kept ruining the way I wanted to live my life. The night things broke I was sitting in my room at home and was planning out my next move... "ecstasy has been fun, but it's time to kick it up a notch. How do I get something like cocaine or heroin? What would I tell my parents when I was going to get it? What about when I came home high?" In the midst of planning things out (meticulously) I heard God audibly for the first time in my life. If you can imagine the most angry, jealous, wrathful, but at the same time heart-broken, loving, caring, and sentimental voice... That was what he sounded like. The first words I ever heard God speak audibly to me were "that is ENOUGH, Hayley." I collapsed. Just fell to my floor in my room and started bawling. That was it. It was enough. At that point I was done. No more drugs.

But then what? What now? Over the span of a couple months I lost all my friends (because I wasn't "fun" anymore) and started questioning God again. "You spoke to me once, now you're just going to leave me out in the wilderness to fend for myself?" His answer (which was wonderfully sarcastic, because thats how he flirts with me) came from a friend of mine. I had saying I was thinking I didn't want God anymore because he wasn't tangible. The day I decided I didn't want him I got a letter from a friend. Yep, a tangible letter. Want to know what it said? It was filled with scripture. Scripture about God's love and pursuit of me and my heart. (ironic?? sarcastic?? yeah, I thought so too!!) But it was sweet. My heart broke for God again. Then I started hearing 121, a lot. Eventually I understood that God was telling me to read Psalm 121. (go read it!) It was sweet, and perfect for what I was struggling with. And God restored my relationships with my family (the bond me and my mom have now is indescribable) But I still wasn't ready to let God fill the void in my heart. It was too easily to have "tangible" boys do that. So I started dating another guy. Our relationship was dysfunctional, but not nearly as bad as mine and the first guys. The difference was that this guy was a Christian too. He was struggling with similar things as I was (which turned out to be awful for our relationship) When we started looking for love in each other instead of God we became physical very fast. Within a couple months of dating we were having sex. (But the cycle was different. We'd have sex, then feel bad about it because it's not what God wanted, then not have sex for a while, then have it again, etc.) There were other problems in our relationship, but that was the main one for me. When I came to college (Hardin-Simmons University) me and him fell apart. I found out he was cheating on me and I broke down again. I was lost in the void that kept getting torn wider with each heart-break. I knew guys weren't the answer, but I went back on what I knew once again.

I met a guy at Hardin-Simmons that said he wanted to pursue something because of my love for God (which to me sounded like the perfect guy, he loved God) But it turned into yet another dysfunctional relationship (although God used this guy to teach me more about his love than anyone else) The guy was sweet and didn't want anything about our relationship to be physical, but physical was all I knew about relationships, so I pushed it that direction. Which ended up being one of the factors that ruined it. But throughout the relationship God taught me so much. The day we ended for good I was lost (everything that Satan had spoken over me in the past was brought up again.. "You aren't worth it Hayley"). I skipped all of my classes and journaled/prayed all day. God walked me through recovery about past relationships, and even the current one. Needless to say God was doing work. I was learning about his love for me.

Middle School

Middle school is a time of its own (as you most know, if you've experienced it). Its judgmental, stereotypical, and ruthless.

Walking with God up to this point was nothing more than "I went to church on Sunday. I'm not having sex. I'm not doing drugs. I'm not drinking. I'm a good person. I'm a good Christian." 

Little did I know that Middle School would be the beginning of my change of heart on what a "good Christian" is.

Middle school wasn't a particularly hard time for me (it had its moments, but hey, when does life not?) I had good friends, and was in with the "popular" crowd pretty quickly. Staying "popular" became an obsession of mine. In 3 short years of middle school I began compromising things I thought were important aspects of being "good". Throughout middle school I chose to walk away from God and towards the world and my popularity. Then came high school.

The Move

I was raised in Carver, Massachusetts. Growing up on the Northeast Coast of the United States is something of its own. The nature and seasons are absolutely beautiful and breathtaking... The people, not so much. Culture in Massachusetts was focused on academics. I went to a private Christian school through elementary school, and then God began to ask my mom to put me and my brothers into a public school system because He wanted us to be in the world. She made the decision the year that I began 4th grade. Public school. I was quick to make friends, but then "the move" happened.

My parents sat me and my brothers down the year before I went into Middle School and told us we were moving to Texas. Yeah, you read that right, Texas. The place where everyone rides horses everywhere, tumbleweeds roll across the dirt roads, and people have shoot-outs outside of old rundown saloons. Texas. (Of course I was entirely wrong about Texas, but I was barely 10 years old! It sounded like the worst idea in the world!)

"The move" was the beginning of my journey with God.

"Bad Luck Sunday"

Heres some background:

I was raised in a Christian home by two of the worlds most perfect parents (not even kidding!). My mom is my role model (although it hasn't always been that way) and my dad is one of my best friends. They have always asked me and my two (annoying, sweet, lovable) brothers (Robby and Chad) to go to church on Sundays. My mom walked me through accepting Christ when I was four years old sitting in the back of her minivan. So to say that I was raised in an ideal home is an understatement. I was raised in a (pretty much) perfect home/living situation... But! Sundays were always "Bad Luck" to me!

I started calling Sundays my "Bad Luck" day every week because when I was young I hated going to church. I hated how everyone at church acted:
"I'm great!"
"Nothing is EVER wrong! Praise Jesus!"
"Hallelujah!"

Blah. Blah. Blah.
I didn't want to hear it. I wanted people to be honest.

Beginnings...

Hey guys!
I've been told by a lot of people that I should start blogging about what God has been telling me! So that is what this blog is going to be about! Here's to new "beginnings"!